"There is no line to walk. No magic moment when you know. The surprise comes upon looking back, realizing this is no longer that. There was no decision, no moment of transition; it wasn't for anyone, because of anything. 'That this is,' is the only certainty. Therefore whatever was is not. The only landmark is the dawning of surprise, but that too will fade with the death that is certainty. Then there will be no before, no after. Only, god-willing, a way of saying something, without saying anything at all.
"I wanted to laugh then. I thought, 'All I have ever wanted is to laugh, and never stop laughing.' And immediately I knew that if I hadn't wanted that, hadn't teetered on the brink of it all of my days - i would have screamed, and never stopped screaming. My throat would crack and bleed. My voices would fail. And that's when the sound would become unbearable. It would be no longer a friction of particles, but a frisson of moments stacked upon moments. Indivisible, unending,
"But then... then it came back for me. That voice. The one I always told people about, anyone who would listen really. The awkward conversation with a stranger. That was me. I invented that. No really. You were different, you had no choice. You were stuck with me. No really, my story is written in your DNA. If you have the time. But who reads these days. Anyways -
"'This is no laughing matter, ma petite lise. Time to dance.'
"No, that's how he said it. Sss. With the 's.
"I think he'd know
Listening to: you think you know me
Reading: but i haven't got a clue